We have a decision.

We are going to start interviewing midwives for our home birth.

What is a midwife? According to dictionary.com : a midwife is a person qualified to deliver babies and to care for women before, during, and after childbirth. A Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) is a nurse who has completed a master's degree program for the midwife profession and is professionally licensed. Basically, a CNM has the same level of education as a nurse practitioner, and many of us are just fine seeing a nurse practitioner for other health needs. At this point, I may very well keep leaning very far over into the "I definitely want to be a CNM when I grow up".

John and I have been doing research. Mostly me, but he has watched one documentary on me so far, and we have another on our Netflix. At first, John didn't understand why I wanted to even have the conversation. I'm sure many of you have the same question. Well, here's my explanation.

Directly from the World Health Organization :

With the global phenomenon of increasing urbanisation many more women are delivering in obstetric facilities, whether they are having normal or complicated births. There is a temptation to treat all births routinely with the same high level of intervention required by those who experience complications. This, unfortunately, has a wide range of negative effects, some of them with serious implications. They range from the sheer cost of time, training and equipment demanded by many of the methods used, to the fact that many women may be deterred from seeking the care they need because they are concerned about the high level of intervention.Women and their babies can be harmed by unnecessary practices. Staff in referral facilities can become dysfunctional if their capacity to care for very sick women who need all their attention and expertise is swamped by the sheer number of normal births which present themselves. In their turn, such normal births are frequently managed with "standardised protocols" which only find their justification in the care of women with childbirth complications.

Pregnancy isn't a sickness. It's not dangerous and life threatening (if everything is normal). Birth isn't a serious medical emergency that requires IVs, nothing by mouth, laying flat on your back with everything exposed and your feet in the air, and a million different drugs. Birth is natural. Very natural. Women have been getting pregnant and giving birth since the beginning of our species. We have been having babies long before there were doctors, hospitals, medicines, surgeries, policies. Yes, I know your next thought is "well, a lot of babies used to die during those times". You're right. Modern medicine is great when it is needed. Some women need to give birth at a hospital with lots of monitoring, emergency medicine, and doctors and surgeons to save both the mother's and baby's (or babies') life. However, it's not always necessary.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not dissing a woman's choice to go to the hospital rather than birth at home. Not. At. All. I do feel that women should have a choice. I know some women do not tolerate pain and want the pain medications. I know some women are too nervous that something may go wrong. I know many, many women just don't realize there is another choice. But this isn't about any other woman and her choices. It's about me, my choice, and my reasons for choosing this way.

I'm not considered high risk. I'm not even considered moderate risk. I am low risk. If something changes and I do become moderate or high risk, my decision will be obsolete because I will have no other choice but to deliver my child at the hospital. For now, we're going to stick with the low risk status which allows us choices.

I have chosen home birth because I know what I want to get out of the birth experience. For me, it's not just about the end product: the baby. It's an entire experience that I want to feel! I want to be able to listen to my body during this life changing event just like I listen to my body about other issues. I listen to my body when I get the heebe jeebes about someone or some situation. I listen to my body and move into comfortable positions when I'm not comfortable. Why should I ignore my body during the one time that my body will be doing the second most important thing it's made for (the first being keeping me alive)? Every woman who has been through labor knows that some positions make her more comfortable than others, some movements help speed labor while others seem to almost stop it, and doing some things can completely keep her mind off the pain until she is far enough along in the labor that she can receive the pain medications she wants. I want to be able to do those things (except for the waiting for pain medication part - I know, another far out there thing in today's world). Also, when I was 16 or so, I was watching "A Baby Story" on TLC. I watched a water birth, and I knew at that moment that is how I wanted to give birth. It looked so comfortable and natural. The mother and baby appeared so relaxed and happy. It was simply amazing. I want that. I want to feel in control, be able to listen to my body, and give birth the way women were designed to do so from the beginning of time.

Also, I want people to be there with me, mostly women. I want my husband and my dad, but I also really want some love and support and estrogen. Mostly, I want women who will help me through this. I don't know exactly what will go on during labor, but I may want someone to climb in the tub with me while I'm laboring. I may want one set of hands rubbing my back, one set holding my hands, one set running fingers through my hair, and one set just rubbing my arms. I want people who will help me when I need it and leave me alone when I don't without feeling put out or put off or offended when I ask to have everything stop or ask for some time in the room in the tub alone. I may want someone to grab me a glass of milk and a piece of chocolate, adjust the lighting in the room, adjust the music, turn off that damn song, whatever. Rochelle will be doing a lot of this as part of her life's passion, but I want others there to feel and be involved as well, even if the being involved part simply means being silent support. Then we can all meet my Peanut together. We will all experience the empowerment that comes from doing it on your own how you were born to. Oh, and everyone will have to be ok with me being at least pantsless, but possibly completely naked. Whatevs, it's not sexual. It's what happens as a result of sex. Ha!

Oh, and let's not forget about the position! Other than standing on your head, lithotomy (laying on your back with your legs in the air) is the worst position to give birth. It's used because it's convenient for the doctor. My doctor told me point blank that he allows birth in no other position than lithotomy because he needs access. Eh, you can see the vagina pretty well in other positions also. Why is lithotomy so bad? Well......

• lying on your back puts pressure on the vena cava which is bad for both you and your baby. It reduces blood flow and therefore oxygen to both you and your baby. It can lead to fetal distress.
• It decreases the diameter of your pelvis by as much as an inch.
• It is uncomfortable. It can even cause contractions to be more painful. Most women if given the option do not lie on their back during labor and birth.
• In this position you are pushing against gravity. Because of the unique contours of the birth canal you are actually pushing uphill in the lithotomy position. During birth you want to get gravity to work for you. This means that in almost all cases you want to be as upright as possible so the baby can come down.
• The lithotomy position can make you feel like a stranded beetle. You really don't have much control in this position. It can be hard to hold or grab onto anything and the stirrups or attendant's arms aren't as sturdy as a solid surface underneath you.
• This is the position used for pelvic exams which might not be the association you want when you're giving birth. It exposes all of your parts to everyone else present. Laboring and giving birth in upright positions faces your yoni/vagina/private parts to the floor.
• It puts strain on the perineum and in combination with forcible pushing makes perineal tears more likely to occur.

Yeah. That's why I don't want to be forced into that position.  I'd rather follow my body's cues.

Now, we all know what I want now. If something does happen and I need medical intervention, we will not hesitate to go to the hospital. I live within 15 minutes of the nearest hospital that also has a NICU, so just because I'm going all "hippy" doesn't mean I won't let medicine intervene if it is necessary. I want a natural, loving experience, but I also want to live and have my child live. If it comes down to it, we will go to the hospital without question. Our midwife will be trained, and she will know what signs to look for and when we need to go to the hospital.

The best parts about giving birth at home, to me, are 1) the baby doesn't get taken away from me away into another room and left under a heat lamp and possibly given a bottle or a pacifier, and 2) our midwife will come back to my house at 24 hours and one week postpartum to make sure everything is going ok. No hospital stay. (Means we save big $$$) Oh, and no flipping IV. Yesssssss. That makes me super happy.

Hopefully now you all understand a little more the reasons for John and I choosing this. After I explained these things to him and had him watch an amazing documentary with me on Netflix, he has started to really think about what this means to me. He also realizes I am not an unreasonable person, and I have looked into this and not just making a blind choice. We watched Pregnant in America, and we have The Business of Being Born lined up for another night. With Pregnant in America, we follow a couple who are having a baby through their research, experience with doctors and the healthcare system in general, and their experience with their birth. Trust me; it's definitely worth the watch.

Whoah. It's been a while.

Well, nursing school has certainly been keeping me very busy, so blog updates have been few and far between.

Today is 15 weeks, 5 days. John and I heard Peanut's heartbeat again yesterday. I love that sound. I can't help but smile every time I hear it. We will know if Peanut's legal name will be John Tyler or Lilly Katherine on May 10 (hopefully, if Peanut isn't shy). That also happens to be the day before my Adult 1 final, so that break from stress will be awesome. Also, I will finally be able to tell people what I'm having instead of "well, we just don't know yet. It's too early to tell." It's getting to where it hurts to lean forward, and it feels pretty uncomfy to sit up straight. I suppose that's a good thing... Peanut isn't a fan of being crushed. My belly is sticking out farther every day. I'm down to very few pairs of pre-pregnancy pants that still fit. The only reason they still fit is because I bought them before I lost 40 pounds last year. I'm getting down to the bare minimums on shirts too. Bleh. Suppose I'm going to have to go shopping again soon, which makes my bank account and my husband very sad.

Speaking of shopping, Brooke and I are going to be having a yard sale very soon. I have clothes and some other things in my house I need to get rid of, and she has a ton and a half of clothes. Both of our men have clothes they don't wear also. Plus she's super crafty and makes super neat things.

Brooke is making our costumes for the Renaissance Fair. Super excited!!! Going to be an amazing way to spend my birthday!!!

Now, serious stuff.

People. I'm going to breastfeed (unless Peanut can't). Yes, I know it will cause pain. Yes, I know I will be the only one feeding the baby for a while until I feel like enough of a BFing relationship is established that I will be ok pumping into bottles. Yes, I know I may shoot my husband with milk during intimate moments. Yes, I know that means no one else gets to bond with Peanut during feeding time. However, that doesn't mean no one else can bond with Peanut. Bathing, playtime, diaper changes, snuggles. All very good ways to bond. Yes, I have done my research. Breastmilk is FREE, and it's THE best superfood on the planet! Also, never having to warm up a bottle? Yes please. Pop out a nipple and let's go. No fumbling for a bottle, no measuring out of a can, no worrying about making sure it's warm enough, no hoping my baby is getting adequate nutrition. Seriously, please stop hounding me about my choice to breastfeed. My husband is super supportive, as are 90% of my friends. Lets all just agree that if you don't like my choice, we should all realize it is my choice with my child and call it good. While I may disagree with your parenting choices for your kids, they are still your kids. Besides, do some actual research of breastfeeding and breastmilk, then tell me how horrible it is compared to formula. Oh, and one more thing. Stop telling me that as a breastfeeding mother, I will give up all my independence and my baby will be clingy and I can never go anywhere. Well, 1) as a new mother with an infant, I don't plan on going places without the little one, and 2) breastfed babies show to be MORE independent because they are so closely bonded with mommy. Seriously, I could go on and on about the benefits.

Yes, I have lost weight during my pregnancy. 12 pounds so far. No, I'm not purposefully trying to lose weight during pregnancy. Yes, I do eat. I promise, I EAT. John can attest to this. I don't know why I'm losing weight, but I am. Yes, my doctor knows. I brought it up again yesterday at my OB appointment. I said "your nurse is worried about my weight loss." He looked at my chart and said "I'm not. You're overweight to begin with, and the baby will take what it needs from you. As long as you're eating and holding food down, I'm not worried. We like to see a steady weight gain starting at around 22 weeks even if it's only 1 pound a month, but some women lose weight their entire pregnancy and have perfectly healthy babies." So, that's all there is to say about that. When my doctor gets worried, I'll get worried.



Ah, I'm looking forward to vacation. A week on the beach. I plan on enjoying every second of it! I love the beach. The heat, the ocean breeze, the summer sun, and the seafood (effing YUM). Ultrasound May 10, Vacation May 14. Going to be amazing.

Love you guys. <3

What a week so far.

9 weeks, 5 days. Super excited. Peanut got his/her first outfit this weekend, along with his/her first toys and first care kit. Awwwww. Aunt Amy and Uncle Shaun visited and brought the care kit and gave us a onesie from Joe's Crab Shack.

This weekend was pretty awesome. Shaun and Amy came up Friday night and stayed until Sunday. Friday night we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and had the most God awful waitress EVER! Between taking half an hour or more to deliver drinks and never coming to our table, somehow we got through it.. Until the end. At the end she comes up scratching her wrist looking like she's seriously starting to go through withdrawals and says "I really need a break. Is there anything else I can do? I really need a break."  Uh, what? We don't care if you need a break. Bring us the damn check and get fired already, sheesh. Saturday we went to Branson and had some uber yummy Joe's Crab Shack. YUM!!! That waitress did NOT need a break! She was Johnny on the spot with drinks (which is why I was the only sober one by the time we left). Then just hanging out... Disney store and their 25% off landed Peanut some toys. Aww. Then old time photos. Yessssss. The pics are great. ;) Sunday night after Shaun and Amy left, John and I went to visit Brooke and Aaron. We had dinner with them and hung out and played some games and had AMAZING apple pie a la mode. :D I love that chick.

Monday brought clinicals. Oh my geez. Other than getting sick to my stomach while at the hospital and the crazy amount of stress going on between my classmates and I and our instructor.... It wasn't so bad. (I'm really, really trying to be optimistic here.) I did learn something, and that something is don't trust your nurse. Look at the doctor's orders. Otherwise you're going to freak out because you're taking care of someone who is on a medicine that is generally used for one thing, and it turns out that it wasn't prescribed for that. At all. Something TOTALLY different. Yeah. Look at the doctor's orders.

There's a lot of paperwork this semester. A LOT. We also have a super strict perfectionist instructor, but I think I'm starting to get a feel for her. She knows a lot, honestly. And when I asked her for help with my paperwork, she was more than willing to sit down and help me. I think right now we're all super frustrated, but as the semester goes, I think it will get a lot better as we all get a feel for each other. I may be at an advantage in the situation though because I'm in clinicals with a totally new group. I didn't have any of these folks last semester, so I'm having to get a feel for them in the clinical setting as well. Soooo I'm just feeling out everything. New hospital, new clinical group, and new instructor with new rules. I'm pretty adaptable though, so we'll see how it goes. I hope it starts going better for my classmates as well. Ladies, I know we're all stressed, but we can and will get through it! I promise, we will make it!

I think the worst part is clinicals until 9:30 pm on Tuesday night then class at 9 am Wednesday morning. For me, who lives relatively close, I get home around 10 pm then in bed within an hour... Up at 6:30-7 to leave by 7:30 to avoid being late. Now we have one classmate who lives in Eureka Springs... That's an hour to an hour and a half drive... Phew...

I am soooo super tired and sitting in class with my pants completely unbuttoned and unzipped because I can't do it otherwise. Love you guys, but this Adventure in Shandiland has to end so I can pay attention. ;)

Oranges, oh my!

Orange juice, oranges, orange flavored soda.... Mmmmm. I am ingesting it like crazy!! I say that as I sit here with 2 oranges on my desk that I can't get into because I forgot to bring something to cut them with. Bleh. Every morning, it's been at least 1, most of the time 2 glasses of OJ. I have had an orange about every other day. Oranges just make me drool right now. I suppose that's my body's way of saying "Yay Vitamin C!!!!". Vitamin C is good for the immune system ya'll!

Next doctor appointment : March 7. Be expecting video that evening. I'm super looking forward to hearing Peanut's heartbeat for the first time. I was browsing Craigslist the other day and saw a prenatal doppler on there for $65. It would be extremely neat to be able to hear my little one's heartbeat whenever I wanted. At around 20 ish weeks, I should be able to hear it with just a stethoscope, which I so conveniently happen to have. I'll hold off and just cry that much more when I see and hear it for the first time. Although, even though it's completely normal in early pregnancy before you can feel the baby moving, I have times where I just wonder... Is this real? Is this really happening? Is my baby still ok? Am I still pregnant? Have I miscarried and just haven't started bleeding yet? There's also the holding out and waiting because I am so scared something is going to go wrong. If I take too much Tylenol for a headache, am I going to miscarry? If I have sex, is the motion going to hurt Peanut? Should I go ahead and buy bigger pants since mine are starting to feel tight so I don't hurt the baby? I'm hoping a lot of my fears will be abolished when I see Peanut's heartbeat.

Happy times, I just got an email from TheBump.com informing me that today is 9 weeks. Yes, yes it is. Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. Peanut gets a new designation this week. He/she is no longer an embryo but has graduated to fetus status! Peanut is also about the size of a green olive. Aww. My uterus should now be about the size of an orange (which is funny to me since I crave oranges so much). It suggests looking into buying a maternity bra if mine doesn't feel so great anymore. Well, I sort of demolished my favorite and most comfortable bra to make it even more comfortable. I totally said screw it and took the underwire out of it, and man it's super comfy now. Love it!

My pants are starting to get too tight around the lower abdomen area, which is where I wear the waistbands of my pants. It's usually after I eat a meal, so I'm sitting here after lunch with my pants unbuttoned. I've been doing that a lot in class lately, but I doubt anyone notices. If they do, they write it off as pregnancy so you know, it's fine. I feel so super bloated after lunch, and I'm not eating as much now as I did pre-pregnancy. I honestly can't eat a full meal anymore without feeling sick. There's just no room, and I'm not complaining. I've lost weight since I got pregnant. I know, I know. People say that's a no no, or they chock it up to morning sickness. Mine is neither. Mine is just simply not eating as much at one time, but eating a lot throughout the day.

Some days, the nausea is sooooo bad, but most of the time it's good, or it's just a little so it's manageable. This past Wednesday was HORRIBLE, but I attribute that to not eating any protein at breakfast. Every other day I have had either a Carnation Instant Breakfast (yum) or a sausage and biscuit or something else with meat. I think that's why most days I just have a little nausea with little to no vomiting. Wednesday though.. Ugh. I vomited twice. Once at school in the middle of the lecture (thankfully I was alone in the bathroom when it happened and Grubbsy came in while I was in recovery mode), and once at a flippin gas station. Oh well, just reinforces the whole "eat protein in the morning" thing.

I'm looking forward to this weekend! Shaun and Amy are coming up from Conway to spend the night and hang out with us before Shaun leaves for the Navy. Then, on Sunday, John and I are going to go over to a la casa de Brooke y Aaron for cooking and hanging out. Then clinicals start on Monday. :) Monday is going to be a long, long day what with water aerobics at 8:30 am, validations for NG tubes from 10-12, then clinicals from 1-9:30 pm. Phew, at least I get to sleep in Tuesday morning!

That's all from Shandiland for tonight. This roast is smelling soooo good even though I literally just ate like, an hour ago, and I have some last minute things to do before the company gets here tonight. Enjoy your weekend peoples!

226 Days to Go

Today is 7 weeks, 5 days. Only 32 weeks, 2 days to go!

The nausea is going away again, so that's happy times. The fatigue is getting worse. The boob pain is getting worse, but it's a great sign so I'm ok with it. My eczema on my legs has been popping up a lot lately. I don't know if it's because my skin is so uber dry or if it's the hormones or what. I do know a way to treat that rather quicklike though, so whatevs. The aversion to certain foods has started. I honestly can't handle the pictures or TV ads for McDonald's angus burger and wrap (puke) and Burger King's jalapeno and cheese burger (puke). Also, I am the self proclaimed Queen of Whole Hog because I absolutely love it. However, I can't handle the thought or smell of those ribs now that I'm prego. I can't take straight water either. I'm not sure why, but I just can't.

The food cravings have started somewhat. They aren't bad or weird, but they are there. I'm mostly craving salty stuff and cheese. Yum, cheese. I ate one of those little things of nacho cheese from Taco Bell last night without the chips. Yeah, I just dipped my finger in the container and ate it. Yum. I've been craving cereal, too. Lunch yesterday was a bowl of Frosted Flakes, 5 cheesesticks with marinara sauce, and a bottle of chocolate milk. Yum. I didn't even mind the weird looks. Also, juice. Lots of juice. I've been having 2 large orange juices from McDonald's in the mornings. I was sad when I went to the vending machine that was out of OJ. I ended up with a Fuze Banana Colada instead. No, not the alcoholic one. I'm not stupid ya'll!

I went to the doctor Monday, and we talked about restrictions and stuffs while I'm pregnant. I'm very sad that I can't have rare or medium rare meat. That means no steak, or overcooked steak which, to me, is worse than no steak. Also, for car or plane rides lasting longer than 3 hours, I have to stop and take a walk every 3 hours. My trips home to visit are going to take longer than 5 hours now since I can't drive straight through. It works out though, because I happen to have an awesome Grandma in law and Aunt in law that live at the halfway point who are always up for a visit. The trip I'm wanting to take to Florida this summer will take a heck of a lot longer since it's a 12 hour drive. It's not a big deal though. No lifting more than 20 pounds means I need a rolling backpack. I can have sex (woohoo!!). I also informed the doctor about my choice to have a doula. Sweet action.

My next appointment and ultrasound is March 7. Brooke is going with John and I because we're going to get to see the baby's heartbeat. Yay!! I'm sooooooooooooo excited for it! Apparently, at one point, I'll be able to hear the baby's heartbeat with just my stethoscope. Lucky me, I happen to have a stethoscope at home. ;)

Mom told me this morning she's planning a baby shower around there for July 16th area. If you're in the Jonesboro area and want to go, let me know so I can get your address to her for an invitation. I'm pretty sure a super awesome chick named Savannah already laid claim to planning a baby shower for up around here.

Peanut's room is painted and waiting for my awesome mother in law to come do her mural. It's BRIGHT yellow right now, but it's super pretty. I'm glad it's painted and out of the way so I don't have to worry about that later as I'm trying to get other stuff for the baby's room. I have the crib bedding already that is super cute, so mostly it's just furniture and decorations. We have a super great furniture man, so I'm going to go browse his collections before too long.

I'm working on registries right now. So far, I'm registered at Target and Babies R Us. Wal-Mart will be added soon. None of them have much on them right now, but I'm slowly getting there which is fine because we have some time. If anyone wants me to register anywhere else, just let me know and I'll set it up. I still need to look at the JcPenny website to see what they have, and Sears has a definite chance of making the list. I'm pretty sure you just have to search either mine or John's name to see them.

I'm taking next semester off from nursing school and coming back in January. I talked to the administrator about my pregnancy, and we agreed that it would be for the best if I did that. It puts off graduation by only 3 months, so not a big deal. On the plus side, my graduation and Cynthia's graduation will no longer conflict! I was pretty worried about that, but now it's no worries!

I could really go for a nap right now. Only 2.5 more hours until I'm out of school for the day.

Hormone Central

Oh my Jesus. What a day... Wow.

My clinical instructor? Not a fan. I got SUPER pissed when she pushed my hand out of the way while I was doing my IV resource with the fake arm so she could make a point... Ok, I get that you want to show us something, but shouldn't you get an IV cath and do it yourself to show us? 1) I'm not 4 years old so don't slap my hand away from my business, and 2) that's my VERY LIMITED resource time and equipment to practice sticking a fake arm with needles so when it comes to putting an IV in my partner next week, I'll be able to hit the vein. I mean, really. I had 2 IV caths to practice with today, and she totally screwed up one of my attempts because she wanted to show everyone that you can just leave it laying there and not have to hold onto the hub of the catheter (which is BS anyway. No way in hell am I just going to let it sit there without holding on, because I don't want to have to stick that person again when it falls out, and it will!). Then, when I calmly state that I would like to just go through the motions on trach care, there's no reason to interrupt me by making comments like "well, I'm sure she won't forget to break sterile field" (or something to that effect) when I hadn't actually broken my field... I just left one hand ungloved to pour stuff into my field, because if I was already fully gloved, touching that bottle would break my field anyway... And then, when I do it like she instructs us the day before, I get in trouble. Bleh. Whatever.

The other pregnant chick? So. Effing. Over. Her. Seriously. Yeah, I'm fucking pregnant too, but that doesn't mean I am gonna be snappy and bitchy at someone because she's seriously just relaying a message. Don't be snappy because I've already been to the doctor and you haven't, and really. Really. REALLY don't be snappy with me because all I fucking did was say "hey, so have you seen (name removed for protective purposes) to talk about your pregnancy and nursing school? I just talked to her because there's some stuff she needs and stuff ya'll have to work out like I did." That is NOT the time to go off because "why is everyone telling you this?! Why can't the instructors tell me?! I just don't understand why everyone is so helpful for you and no one cares about me!" Uh, maybe because you're FUCKING CRAZY? Just a thought. Calm the fuck down kid. Also, really? You've had a kid before and you don't know that the age of the fetus won't actually give you an opportunity to count back and find the exact day you conceived? I suppose since you broadcasted EVERYWHERE that you don't know who the baby's daddy is, you probably are pretty damn worried. Ugh.

On the plus side, I love my friends. Grubbsy, Savannah, Rochelle, Amanda Martin, Joshy, Ashley, Brooke. You guys are super amazing.

Oh, by the way, when birth time comes around, if you see an older blond chick getting manhandled out of my room by Rochelle because she was trying to stick an IV in me, don't worry about it. Rochelle is just saving my veins, like any great doula and friend would. ;)

Emotions

Wow. Today has been super emotional. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation.. I'm almost positive the hormones have something to do with it. Maybe it's just me being me, but whatever. Emotions are high today.

This is Peanut! He/she is snuggled down in my uterus where he/she should be. This has been the highlight of my day! Seeing my first child for the first time brought tears to my eyes and kept a smile on my face since. The ultrasound lady is so amazingly super nice! She was gentle, understanding, and she kept the lights low for privacy and comfort. Since it was an internal ultrasound, things were a little crazy anyway... If you don't know what an internal ultrasound is, well. Time to find out. The machine has a "wand" looking apparatus that has a cover that looks like a condom that goes over it to protect it. This goes inside the vagina to get an internal view, since some things can't be seen as easily from the outside. As soon as she started sliding this "wand" in, before she even got it in place, she said "I see a pregnancy in the uterus." I couldn't stop smiling. John asked a TON of questions like how did she know and what's that. She took the measurements and determined that today is 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant. She found a cyst on my left ovary, but said that with my history of cysts on my left ovary, she's not concerned. And it's not big, so you know. No biggie.

Next up was seeing the doctor. He caught me on my way out of the ultrasound room (when I thought I was still going home) and looked at the picture. I could tell by the look on his face that he loves his job. When setting up my appointment to see him, the desk clerk just sent me back to him since he didn't have many patients today due to weather and I was already there. We talked for a minute, then we did the dreaded annual pap smear because I'm overdue.. Bleh. John got to witness that also, which was HILARIOUS. I was stripping off my clothes, and he's getting all worried. It was cute, him asking if I preferred a female doctor down there. Well, babe, it's purely clinical, and if he's going to be the one to deliver, he's going to see it all anyway. And he's seen it before, because it's not my first visit with him.... But you're still super cute. So I had to explain what's about to go down and that this doctor is about to all kinds of feel me up. The doc tried to keep himself between me and John while doing the feeling the boobs thing, which was probably good. All in all that only took like, 5 minutes so no biggie.

Now I'm sitting here at home, hanging out. I cleared out the closet in the baby's room which was no small task mind you. I need to get the bookshelves moved out of there and put in my office, then I can start taping off and having John paint. He thinks we have plenty of time, and we do. But Peanut will be here before we know it, so I'm more concerned with getting things done NOW while I still feel like doing them. I think we'll start working on baby purchases super soon. Nothing big yet, but a pack or two of diapers a week starting now will make sure we are super stocked and isn't a bad thing. I mean, we're going to be using diapers, so you know. It also allows us to spread out purchases of certain things so we're not buying everything last minute. Plus, I need to get the room painted so my awesome mother in law can come do the mural she's wanting to do!

With all the highs today, I did have a pretty big low. I felt the rush of sadness over losing the one last summer all over again. We never even got to see that baby, or where it was. I'm glad this one is safe and sound, and I know going through that loss will only make me stronger, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to go through that loss. Loss is hard, ya'll. I think it's worse when it's your very first pregnancy. Oh well, things are different this round.

I can't wait for these next 34 weeks to go by! I am looking forward to holding Peanut in my arms!