Emotions

Wow. Today has been super emotional. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation.. I'm almost positive the hormones have something to do with it. Maybe it's just me being me, but whatever. Emotions are high today.

This is Peanut! He/she is snuggled down in my uterus where he/she should be. This has been the highlight of my day! Seeing my first child for the first time brought tears to my eyes and kept a smile on my face since. The ultrasound lady is so amazingly super nice! She was gentle, understanding, and she kept the lights low for privacy and comfort. Since it was an internal ultrasound, things were a little crazy anyway... If you don't know what an internal ultrasound is, well. Time to find out. The machine has a "wand" looking apparatus that has a cover that looks like a condom that goes over it to protect it. This goes inside the vagina to get an internal view, since some things can't be seen as easily from the outside. As soon as she started sliding this "wand" in, before she even got it in place, she said "I see a pregnancy in the uterus." I couldn't stop smiling. John asked a TON of questions like how did she know and what's that. She took the measurements and determined that today is 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant. She found a cyst on my left ovary, but said that with my history of cysts on my left ovary, she's not concerned. And it's not big, so you know. No biggie.

Next up was seeing the doctor. He caught me on my way out of the ultrasound room (when I thought I was still going home) and looked at the picture. I could tell by the look on his face that he loves his job. When setting up my appointment to see him, the desk clerk just sent me back to him since he didn't have many patients today due to weather and I was already there. We talked for a minute, then we did the dreaded annual pap smear because I'm overdue.. Bleh. John got to witness that also, which was HILARIOUS. I was stripping off my clothes, and he's getting all worried. It was cute, him asking if I preferred a female doctor down there. Well, babe, it's purely clinical, and if he's going to be the one to deliver, he's going to see it all anyway. And he's seen it before, because it's not my first visit with him.... But you're still super cute. So I had to explain what's about to go down and that this doctor is about to all kinds of feel me up. The doc tried to keep himself between me and John while doing the feeling the boobs thing, which was probably good. All in all that only took like, 5 minutes so no biggie.

Now I'm sitting here at home, hanging out. I cleared out the closet in the baby's room which was no small task mind you. I need to get the bookshelves moved out of there and put in my office, then I can start taping off and having John paint. He thinks we have plenty of time, and we do. But Peanut will be here before we know it, so I'm more concerned with getting things done NOW while I still feel like doing them. I think we'll start working on baby purchases super soon. Nothing big yet, but a pack or two of diapers a week starting now will make sure we are super stocked and isn't a bad thing. I mean, we're going to be using diapers, so you know. It also allows us to spread out purchases of certain things so we're not buying everything last minute. Plus, I need to get the room painted so my awesome mother in law can come do the mural she's wanting to do!

With all the highs today, I did have a pretty big low. I felt the rush of sadness over losing the one last summer all over again. We never even got to see that baby, or where it was. I'm glad this one is safe and sound, and I know going through that loss will only make me stronger, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to go through that loss. Loss is hard, ya'll. I think it's worse when it's your very first pregnancy. Oh well, things are different this round.

I can't wait for these next 34 weeks to go by! I am looking forward to holding Peanut in my arms!

Feeling a tiny bit overwhelmed...

So, earlier today if you had asked me if I knew what I wanted to happen during Peanut's birth, I would've been able to give you a definite 100% answer. Now, I have realized there is so much more that I need to consider. Luckily, I'm starting at 6 weeks to figure out a birth plan instead of waiting for the very last second. I also have a super amazing lady who I'm going to ask to be my doula to help me figure these things out. Yes, Rochelle, I'm talkin bout you sister!

First off, why a doula? Well, for those of you who don't know, Rochelle is SUPER passionate in all things birth. She's also super knowledgeable, and she's not afraid to do exactly what a doula does : ADVOCATE for her client (in this case, me). If I say I don't want any pain meds and there's no medical reason for me to have them, she's going to get in that pill pusher's face and tell him/her to back the H off. Then if I start screaming for the drugs, she's going to drag that pill pusher into my room kicking and screaming. ;) Yes, John can do this too, but really, I don't want John leaving my side through this whole thing. I think it would be super great to have 2 amazing coaches, John and Rochelle, and then everyone else who comes to see me too. Rochelle also knows all about natural childbirth. I mean, the woman is a walking encyclopedia of birth. She's going to be able to show John how to touch and hold me, and together they can help me get into positions that will facilitate labor while decreasing pain. Rochelle and John are gonna be the 2 who know my birth plan in and out, and neither one of them will be scared to say "Hey. This is how we're doing it if there's no real medical need to do it a different way."

So I was reading one of Rochelle's links today on facebook about birth plans, and thought "oh my geez, I never thought to look at a sample birth plan online..." Sooooo I did. Wow. I have a LOT of stuff to work through and figure out. First thing I'm going to have to do is come up with questions and scenarios to take to the hospital to talk to an actual Labor and Delivery nurse who can answer me. For instance, I do NOT want my child to be out of my room unless there is a medical need. I want to be able to warm my child skin on skin instead of Peanut laying under a heat lamp without anyone holding him/her. If my child needs to go to the nursery, I want John to be glued to that baby's side so he can step in and say "nuh uh, don't you give that baby a bottle or I will sue you from here until the next century" or give consent for things like the standard blood tests, etc. I know for sure I have 2 other BIG questions for the hospital. If they give me answers I really, really don't like, it's almost a guarantee I will at least be checking out different hospitals around. A home birth honestly terrifies me, but if it comes down to it that that's the only way I'm going to get anywhere near the experience I'm looking for, it may happen. I'm not one of those "throw her on her back and tell her to shut up" kind of people. No. Effing. Way.

So I started a birth plan. Well, I have a "I clicked these boxes and this is what I got" birth plan. Hey, I had to start somewhere. Having a general idea of where to start, I can start formulating questions to give to my doctor tomorrow at my very first prenatal appointment AND ultrasound (yay!!!!!). And you know, if he's not willing to work with me, then I'm not willing to work with him, plain and simple.

Writing about how overwhelming formulating a birth plan feels right now helps me say "yeah. Alright. Not so bad. I can do this!" I felt so passionate about my sister's birth and everything I absolutely hated about it. I was told then "well, it's just how things work. You kinda have to do it. You don't have a choice." B. S. I'm 2 years older now and KNOW better. Just because no one took the time to ask her doesn't mean I won't make someone make the time for me.

Another super passionate post about my pregnancy here in Shandiland! I swear, they won't all be about Peanut, but it's kind of hard not to talk about the little critter in my belly. :)

Controversy, how lovely art thou!

Side note before we get started... I was SUPER rude to someone today. I would feel bad if this person weren't who she was. Look, I know you're pregnant also. I know you're due around the same time I am. However, I really don't like you and think you're batshit crazy. Also, I've been dealing with a cold and morning sickness and being SUPER EFFING TIRED too, but that doesn't stop me from showing my butt up to take care of responsibilities. And I don't go from "oh, woe is me, I feel so shitty" to "OMG WE'RE PREGNANT TOGETHER! WE'RE GONNA BE PREGNANT BUDDIES AND OUR KIDS ARE GONNA PLAY TOGETHER AND ON AND ON AND BLAH BLAH BLAH FREAKING BLAH!" in less than 10 minutes. It just doesn't work. That just screams BIPOLAR to me. Just saying... So yes, I was rude. I rudely stated "Yeah. I know." and COMPLETELY turned around with my back to her. Why am I talking about this? Well. I suppose letting it out there that yeah, it happened, will save me from some random Karma later. Like super bad morning sickness tomorrow or something... (Can you tell I'm not very tolerant of bullshit, especially in my very hormonal state?)


On to some controversy!!

Please tell me why this image is considered "acceptable" in our society? Yeah, I get it. She has a nice body, even with the fake books and the complete and definite camel toe. We go to the beach, to the pool, and sometimes, even to WalMart and are greeted with people wearing things like this, often with MUCH worse bodies. 

However, these images are considered OBSCENE. 

Why is it that it's ok for someone to literally show off EVERY SINGLE THING, but it's not ok to COMPLETELY cover and feed your child? These women have bodies similar to that of the woman in the bikini, yet if they were in public doing the most natural thing a mother can do for her child next to giving birth, they will be looked down upon, talked about, and people will try to shelter their eyes from such obscenities. It's perfectly fine for even a 400 pound woman to show off tons of skin in inappropriate clothing, but a woman feeding her child? How horrible it is! You literally can't see a single thing with either of these women. You just, can't. Is it the thought of a baby on a boob that pisses people off so much? Do we really sexualize breasts so much that we can't even allow ourselves to think about a baby touching them? I mean, after all, we came with boobs to feed the babies. That's why they grow to make room for the milk, make the milk, and excrete the milk. It's also why a mother's milk is the absolute best thing an infant can have. Breast milk provides the baby with amazing nutrients that no powdered formula can even come close to, provides the mother with an AMAZING calorie burner, gives the baby mom's immunities which are better than vaccines (not that I'm dissing vaccines, just throwing you can't give anyone anything synthetic that comes close to breast milk), and helps mom in the long run by reducing her risk of breast cancer. Studies have also shown breast milk has been linked to higher intelligence and less childhood obesity


Why is this such a touchy topic for me? Well, I plan on giving my baby the boob. I want my child and myself to take FULL advantage of what my body is naturally made to do. I know this means it's gonna be a little more difficult for other people to feed the baby, but there are these awesome things called breast pumps made for milking mom. I fully plan on utilizing all resources available to help me feed my child the absolute breast (ha ha, get it?) thing I can.


Now that I've said this, I want you all to know I want nothing but support in this journey! I don't want to be told how horrible it is or how much it's going to hurt or "Oh, Shandi... People are gonna look at you so weird." I know they will. I don't care. In the end, I know my child will have the best possible start I can give him/her because I am cool with the boob. I can handle the "bad press", as long as my child gets what he/she needs. I want everyone else to be cool with my boobs too, because I'm sure at one point or another if you're around when the baby is hungry, you'll probably see a nipple. Oh noes... Let's all jump off a cliff because someone saw a nip slip!